A Winchester's Heart
by Scarlet-Passion
Summary: Even though the life he was raised in and lives out has screwed him to the point of no return, he still manages to love. It's what defines every movement he makes; every word he utters; every breath he takes.
1. Prologue

_Prologue… A Winchester's Heart_

Dean Winchester. A man of complexity. A man raised on hard work, family, and a built-in hero complex.

He has fornicated with countless women and has screwed over even more. His stupidity has gotten him and his brother into a ton of trouble—with monsters, with school authority, with their own father. His blatant disrespect shines through more often than he would like to admit.

And his entire world is built on love.

Even though the life he was raised in and lives out has screwed him to the point of no return, he still manages to love. It's what causes his bursts of passion when humanity is threatened. It's what makes him cry when something threatens the stability of the family unit he built around him. It's what defines every movement he makes; every word he utters; every breath he takes.

This story relays the heart of the eldest Winchester brother.

Enjoy.

**_By the way... for this story, look up the song Americana. It's the piano theme that plays on Supernatural. _**


	2. The Impala

_The Impala… A most loyal companion_

God knows how much Dean loves his car. He spent weeks fixing it after his family was run over in it by one of Azazel's cronies back in '06. He nearly had a heart attack when it was stolen by Bela Talbot. When Castiel pulled him out of hell, he smiled at the sight of her (even though, somehow, he had almost forgotten about her).

Dean remembers growing up, spending hours in the Impala listening to the engine growl and the radio blast classic rock music as they drove for miles. He could just look out at the passing landscape, lost in the splendor of his father's '67 Chevy.

Trying to picture Dean in any other car would be impossible.

One night, when he was twenty-one and could legally drink (even though he had drunk plenty of times before then), he left a bar in the middle of Kentucky, hammered. He had hustled some middle-aged men out of their money (which shocked these men, since they were the twice the age of Dean and "far more experienced"). His pocket was stuffed with cash and his brain was addled with alcohol.

He somehow managed to open his car and fall into the driver's seat. He closed the door behind and crawled into the backseat. He found himself laughing at the night he just left behind as he whispered to his car, "You know, baby, I think you and I are going to have one hell of a life together."

The car, of course, doesn't say much. In Dean's mind, she is the best friend in the world. Always listening, never interrupting, always welcoming him with open arms, never judging him. She is the only family he has that doesn't have an opinion on him.

That's the way he likes it.

So he mumbled drunkenly to his car until he passed out in the backseat under the dim light of a streetlamp. In the morning, he will scramble outside as fast as he can so he won't ruin the leather seats. He will lean back onto the hood, letting the hot sun warm his face, because that somehow helps with his hangovers. He will later crawl back into the backseat and enjoy the scents of leather, gasoline, and sweat because he grew up with those scents. Because those are the scents of a hunter.

But mostly because those are his favorite scents and only his baby can provide them for him.

Dean drives the impala with pride. The love of his family lives on through that car—through the rustic scent of leather seats and the edgy sound of classic rock music.

Dean loves that car and with very good reason.


	3. Ellen

_Ellen… The mother he never had_

Ellen Harvelle scared the living daylights out of Dean, and with good reason. She defends her daughter fiercely, even to the point of killing someone. Dean, nor anyone else, is an exception.

Still, Dean will never forget Ellen. Her badass attitude and strong-willed demeanor will stay with him forever. There are many memories he has with that woman. The most powerful, however, is of one he has from before the night she and Jo died. It was just after the picture was taken.

Everyone was asleep (except for Cas, who had gone out for a good-old-fashioned flight), leaving just Ellen and Dean alone in front of the fire, sipping whiskey and pondering the battle that lies ahead, "I've never actually been a soldier," Ellen comments.

Dean looks at Ellen, "What?"

"I've never fought in a war. My husband was the one who did the hunting. He had training from Vietnam," Ellen explains before she takes another swig of her drink, "He taught me everything I know,"

Dean shrugs, "Could've fooled me." Then he swallows more of his whiskey.

Ellen smiles, letting out a small laugh. "You flatter me, Dean. At least tomorrow, I get a chance to see what my husband went through all those years ago."

"You'll do fine, Ellen," Dean replies. "You're the toughest chick I know."

Ellen laughs again, "And you are the smoothest dick, _I _know." Her eyes twinkle mischievously. She stands up in front of the fireplace, "Now," she says confidently. "I have a toast to make."

Dean laughs at her a little, knowing she is more than a little tipsy.

She holds up her glass, "To the return of the old days. To the fall of Satan. To the survival of the human race. And—" she holds her glass up higher—"to family. May my daughter and the two sons I wish I had live the long, healthy, happy, possibly _normal_ lives they deserve."

Dean hesitates for a moment. Her little speech, though produced while drunk, touches him a little. It makes his heart—hot with the rush of whiskey—warm with a little tenderness toward Ellen. He smiles up at her, his eyes softening a little as he raises his glass, "Cheers."

Then they both swallow the last of their whiskey. As he was sleeping that night, little toast from Ellen clings to Dean's mind, embedding itself into his consciousness.

A few weeks after they died, Dean remembered that moment with Ellen. It made him tear up as that memory always will. It is the best memory he has of his surrogate mother.

And he'd rather have that one drunken memory, than of a million other minor, sober memories. Because it is in that fuzzy, drunken memory that he remembers Ellen Harvelle's face the most.


	4. Jo

_Jo… More than just a sister_

Dean, when he first met Jo, never approached her romantically because he knew Ellen would blow his head off with a rifle. Nevertheless, she grew on him and vice-versa. She was young, gorgeous, vivid, and smart. And he, of course, came off as stupid and arrogant, which put not only Ellen off, but Jo as well.

There were always romantic undertones between them. They could both sense it, but they never acted on it. Jo knew Dean was "a lady-ditching, womanizing dickface" (as he mother so eloquently put it) and he knew she was far too innocent and naïve for him.

And, of course, he cared about her a little too much to just ditch her after a one-night stand. She meant more than that to him.

So when it became apparent that Dean and Sam had to leave Jo to kill Lucifer, Dean almost chose to retreat and give up. Even though he knew the entire human race was depending on him, the thought of Jo dying was like being punched in the gut by an angel. It hurt _so much_.

Dean remembers pulling the wire for the bomb along and handing it to the woman who he had come so close to, "Okay. This is it." He looks up at her, seeing the uncertainty in her eyes. "See you on the other side."

She makes a small, sad smile. It's strained and Dean can see the sorrow in her eyes.

"Probably sooner than later," he comments, trying to make some light of the situation.

She opens her mouth and lets out a small moan as she picks up the gun by her leg, "Make it later," she commands. She holds up the gun for him.

He takes it and then place it on the ground next to him. Then he picks up the bomb trigger and puts it in her hand. Dean closes her hand around it as he holds her hand between both of his. And even though they still smile sadly at each other because of the joke, he can feel the realization hit him: Jo is about to die.

He looks up at her, his eyes sadder than they've been since John died.

She stares back at him weakly, trying her best not to sadden him any more than he already is. She makes a very small smile, trying to tell him it's alright.

Then he brings his hands forward and holds her head still as he kisses her forehead. His lips linger there. The longer she feels them, the faster her mask crumbles until she grimaces. Her bottom lip trembles as she tries to keep in the tears.

Then he pulls away to look at her face again, "I'm sorry," she whispers.

His eyes tell her not to be sorry. Then he leans forward again and kisses her on the lips. They both linger there and then they pull away, leaning their foreheads against each other. They stay there for a moment, taking in the last contact they will ever have with each other.

Then he pulls away quickly as he whispers, "Okay." He stands up and walks away, leaving Jo to regret for only a second what she is doing. And later, as the explosion tears the last two Harvelles apart, it's as if the love that Dean shared with Jo in that moment had been erased forever.

When Dean thinks about that kiss, he knows it was on impulse. He knows it was to comfort the only person he would ever consider a sister. But, every once in a while, he allows himself daydream… _We could have had a future together…_


	5. Mary

_Mary… The mother he will forever miss_

In his short years with his mother, they were heaven for Dean. He loved her voice when she sang to him at night. He loved the warmth of her body as she hugged him. He loved _her_ unconditionally as all children do with their mothers.

When Mary was alive, his father was happy. When Sammy was born, their family was complete. A stay-at-home mom, a working dad, a loving older son, and a carefree younger son. White-picket fences, a beautiful two-story house in the suburbs… Mary was never happier than she was in those few years before her death.

Dean remembers one night when the thunder rumbled through the skies and lightning flashed, scaring him worse than the thunder. Later in his life, the thunder and the lightning and the rain would become a form of sanctuary for him, giving him just a few minutes alone.

But, as a child, that kind of weather scared him so much. He remembers one night where that kind of storm forced him out of his bed and down the hardwood floor of the hall until he reached his mother's room. His father had to stay late at the garage because of the rain, so there was room for him in the queen-sized bed.

He burst into the room and ran up to Mary, who was six months with child. Dean approached quietly and called, "Mommy." The more the lightning flashed, the more tears poured down his cheeks. "Mommy," he called, his voice shaking with fear. Then the thunder racketed so loud that Dean went quiet with fear.

His tears spilled over and his tiny frame started to shake as he sobbed.

That's when his mother finally woke. She looked down and saw her little Dean curled up in a ball. "Dean?" she called softly.

He looked up at her, his face stained with tears.

Her eyebrows knit together in concern as she said, "Dean. Oh, Dean." She sat up and bent forward, reaching out her arms for her son. Dean threw himself into her arms and she pulled him into a hug, "Why are you crying, Dean?"

"The thunder," he whispered into her nightgown, "the lightning." He shut his eyes tightly when another flash of lightning struck through the sky.

Mary looked to her window, towards the storm. She wouldn't have admitted it to Dean, but these storms scared her too. She knew what they meant, these electrical storms. Most of the time, they aren't natural. They are a sign of demons. Especially one this severe.

But she wouldn't let her son know this. She wouldn't let her Dean know of such horrible things. So she hugged him tighter as he cried silently into her nightgown, surrounding him in a protective, white nest. Mary kissed the top of Dean's head, "You're okay, Dean. You're all right."

Then she started to sing _Hey Jude_ to Dean like she always did and soon enough he fell asleep in the safety of her arms, completely unaware of the terrors that scoured the world just outside of his window.

Neither Mary nor Dean knew what he was to become. Mary didn't know that her death would produce a family of hunters. That was something she had spent her entire life trying to prevent. She didn't want her husband—her _sons_—to turn into cold, heartless monster-slayers.

She also didn't know how her sons would turn out in the end. She didn't know that Sam would turn into a compassionate, brilliant individual. She didn't know that Dean would turn into a gold-hearted, hilarious, righteous man.

She didn't know any of this that night. The only thing she knew was that she loved her family. She loved her husband. She loved her unborn son. And, in that moment, the love for her eldest son was immeasurable.

And remains that way to this day.


	6. John

_John… His idol_

It is well-known that John Winchester is a world-class asshole. He was an asshole in the hunt, he was an asshole with his fellow hunter, he was an asshole when it came to romantic relations (he ditched them after a night of passion just like his son).

But the one thing John was not an asshole in—though he wasn't stellar at it—was being a father. He never intentionally mistreated his sons, even though he disappointed them plenty of times. Nevertheless, he loved them and they loved him. Dean especially, since before Mary he died, he always look to his father as a superhero.

Even when he old enough to not think like that anymore, if someone asked Dean who his idol was, what individual did he look up to the most, he would say "My dad." Even though neither of them always showed it, they shared their love when it counted.

He remembers his eighteenth birthday. On most of Dean's birthday, John would be out hunting some monster.

But, on his eighteenth, John decided to stick around. He brought his sons to the best diner in town and ordered them each burgers twice the size of their stomach. Still, Dean being Dean, he finished the entire burger with their still being room for pie.

After, John brought them to the park so they could watch the stars.

Sam and Dean climbed out of the Impala, ready to lie on the grass with their father for the first time in years. For Dean, that would've been an awesome gift.

But, instead, his father turns to him and says, "Take the keys, Dean." He holds out the keys to the Impala.

Dean stares at his father skeptically, "Right, Dad. Because you'd ever let me even touch the wheel."

John smiles. It's a tired smile, but not strained like it usually is. For one moment, Dean sees the Dad he knew when he was four. "It's my gift to you, son," John replies. "I need a new car, anyway."

Dean doesn't move. His jaw has dropped, leaving his mouth wide open in disbelief. "You're kidding me, right?" Dean asks.

John smiles even wider and shakes his head. Then he steps forward and places the keys in Dean's hand, closing his son's fingers around them. Dean stares at his hand and then at his father.

"You have been a better son than I ever thought possible, Dean," John says. "If I could be prouder, I think I might explode." Then John finally shows his teeth in his smile. "I love you, son."

Dean stares at John for only a moment before tackling him in a hug. He wraps his arms around John's neck, while John pulls Dean tight around the waist.

John Winchester is an asshole. His son, Dean, would probably agree with you.

But it is John that taught Sam and Dean the importance of family. That very word—Family—is what defines Dean as a person. In that sense, he can't call his dad an asshole. After all, John is the only real parent Dean and his brother ever had.


	7. Ben

_Ben... For all intents and purposes, his son_

Dean was all set to live with Lisa. She is the love of his life and means more to

him than he can say. But, with Ben, the situation is a little more… delicate.

He likes the kid. There's no doubt about that. Ben drools over the Impala, flirts with girls relentlessly, and LOVES pie. Everything Dean does on a daily basis. The only thing the kid doesn't have that Dean has is the blood and life of a hunter.

That is something that Dean will make damn sure never happens.

That's what he tells himself when he sees Ben for the first time in over two years. Somewhere in his early days with the Braedens—when he researched during the day and drank at night—he came to the decision to treat Ben like his own son.

That's when the glass that separated them started to shatter. Dean spent most of the summer trying to recover from the trauma of… well… _everything_. Ben, who had looked up to Dean since the moment he met him, saw what a broken hero looks like.

Yet, he still worshiped Dean the same way Dean worshiped John. Dean could see this and that was what inspired him to pull himself out of the hole he was in and get better.

There aren't a boatload of fond memories with Ben for Dean to hold onto since he spent only a year with the kid and his mom. But the ones he does have pierce him right to the heart. The first one he has of really spending time with Ben is at the end of that summer. Dean had taken Ben for a ride (in his Impala; not the crappy truck that he owns for the rest of the year). He had only gone about five miles before pulling into a huge, abandoned parking lot.

Dean gets out of the car. Ben does indecisively. "Why are we here?" he asks.

Dean walks around the car and holds out the keys, "Get in the driver's seat."

"But… I'm ten," Ben replies, his face reflecting his puzzlement.

"And?" Dean asks. "When I was your age, I could fire a gun."

"Why don't you teach me that, then?" Ben asks, his voice a little too eager.

Dean narrows his eyes, "Not gonna happen, kid. Now take the keys."

Ben, a little disappointed, takes the keys. He walks over to the driver's side and opens the door. The minute he gets in the seat, a bright smile breaks out on his face. He turns on the engine and the vibration of the motor gives him a thrill.

Dean watches Ben from the outside and he can't help but smirk. He felt the exact same way when he first drove the Impala (of course, that didn't happen until he was sixteen because John wouldn't let him even go near the wheel).

He sits in the passenger seat and looks at Ben. And for all intents and purposes, his son.

That day solidified the bond between Dean and Ben forever.

Dean didn't think about that memory when he asked Castiel to erase Ben and Lisa's memory of him. He left them to live on their own, thinking that they would never remember him. But even though Dean loves passionately, he doesn't know the nature of love.

The love he shared with that boy will stay with Ben forever. There will always be some part of Ben's life that he feels is missing. Whenever his mother dates someone new, Ben will _never_ be happy about it. He will stare at his cell phone contacts knowing that between Aunt Dana and his friend Chris, there is a name missing.

He will come to think that that void in his life is because he never knew his biological father. It wouldn't even register in his head that the guy who he idolized had had Ben's memory erased.

He loves Dean. Idolizes him. Even if he can't remember him, in Ben's heart, Dean is his father. But Dean doesn't know that Ben still _feels_ that.

So Dean walks through his days with a pain in his heart, not knowing that love is far more powerful than an angel's memory wipe.


	8. Castiel

_Castiel… His connection_

Everyone who has ever met Castiel knows how awkward he is. He's always been considered an odd one, even with the angels. He never fit in with his family because—low and behold—he's not a dick like the rest of them.

The first being he ever actually _cared_ about without being commanded to was Dean Winchester. He had no reason to be friendly with the human. Dean, when you first meet him, seems like a sleazy douche bag. But, when Castiel dragged him out of hell, he left a mark on Dean's shoulder.

From then on, there was a connection between the two of them. Cas began to view humanity with a different outlook. He saw how righteous Dean was. Dean showed the darker and the brighter side of humanity. He taught Castiel the true meaning of free will. He taught Castiel that destiny is total crap and that choice is what matters.

It is Castiel's belief in these values that would force him to fight Raphael in the second war in heaven. As the war was coming to an end, he could feel the pressure of the Winchesters' waning trust.

The night after he prayed to God, only to receive no answer, he sits outside Bobby's house in physical form. He is partially hoping that none of them will walk out and he can just sit there and think. But he is mostly hoping that one of them will just come out and talk to him. Because he misses them.

He closes his eyes, pondering what he could possibly do to get out of this situation.

He sighs and opens his eyes. He wishes he could be like a human—cry and then get over his problem. But it's not that simple. It's never that simple.

He looks up and standing before him… is Dean. Of all the people to come out, it just _has _to be him. Cas searches him immediately with his eyes to make sure he has no sword or some other surprise weapon to hurt him with.

"What are you doing here?" Dean demands.

Castiel opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. He doesn't have an answer. He just looks back down at the ground sadly.

Dean stands there for a second. He sees Castiel. He sees a traitor and an idiot. But more than that, he sees a man—not an angel, a _man—_with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

So, he walks straight up to Cas. He grabs Cas' shoulder and lifts him up to his full height. Dean looks down at him once, his eyes scanning over Castiel's usual blank face. But, for one moment, the stare of Dean's eyes makes Cas feel as if Dean has seen his way.

Then Dean does something he only does on very rare occasions: he pulls Cas into a hug. He wraps his arms around the angel. It shocks Castiel for a moment. No one has ever hugged him before and from his time on Earth, he observed that it seems to be a thing that men avoid.

But… with Dean's arms around him… he finally feels like he can relax. He closes his eyes and leans into Dean's embrace. He returns the hug, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist. "Thank you," Castiel whispers.

Both of them knew that that embrace didn't change their stances. It didn't change their views on the subject of the souls. But it's what Cas needed. It meant that Sam and Bobby would forgive him if he came crawling back. It meant that Dean still cared about him.

It made Castiel's life a little easier, which in the moment, is what Dean wanted for him. There's a connection between the two and it would hurt each of them immensely if something were to happen to the other.

That's why it brings Dean to tears when Cas' betrayal goes full swing. He loves the son-of-a-bitch and hates watching him fly off the rails. And even though Cas' brain is addled with colossal power, there's still that nagging feeling inside of him whispering:

…_Dean Winchester…_

They're connected. No matter what happens, they will never truly hate each other. That's impossible in family, anyway.


	9. Bobby

_Bobby… The best "not-dad" on the face of the earth_

Bobby Singer is the father the kids should've had. A hunter dad who remained stationary. He is fairly stable, even though he drinks more than Dean and he has enough baggage to depress a sane person. Dean looks up to Bobby for the wisdom and safety his own father couldn't provide.

Of course, that view of Bobby faded a little when he poured the truth out to Dean that he gets a pedicure just for some Vietnamese chick to grip his toes. But, even after that, Dean still looked up to the old drunk. That is something that Dean will never take back saying.

Bobby is the man who showed Dean what it _means_ to be a man. He, like any good father, was there for Dean through thick and thin without complaining once. And, like any son with their parents, Dean took advantage of that selflessness. Bobby put up with it because he loved the boy and he knew Dean loved him.

But, everybody has a rope. Every rope comes to an end. And Bobby came to the end of his when Dean accused him of being selfish because Dean—once again—was ranting about something being wrong with Sam (like Bobby never heard it before) and Bobby—for the first time in Dean's life—was too busy to listen. That's when Bobby formed the memory that Dean will forever remember him for.

He is fuming over the phone, but that is only because Sam and Dean are a hundred miles away and Bobby needs to get his frustration out _now_.

"Sam, Dean, I love you like my own, I do," Bobby swears earnestly. "But sometimes," he takes a pause to swallow an entire glass of Johnny-Walker Blue. He licks his lips and sneers, "_Sometimes_, you two are the whiniest, most self-absorbed sons of bitches I ever met."

"_Sometimes" is an understatement_, Bobby thinks. His heart starts to speed up as his anger flows out, "I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you. Everything! You need some lore scrounged up? You need your asses pulled out of the fire? You need someone to bitch to about _each other_?"

Dean, who was looking at the phone in shame, looks up to his brother. They share a look split between embarrassment and irritation with the other. Dean wriggles his lips before he looks back at the phone.

"You call me and I come through! Every. Damn. Time." He stomps his feet to each word. "And what do I get for it? JACK with a side of SQUAT!" he shouts heatedly.

"Bobby—" Dean starts.

"Do I sound like I'm done?" Bobby demands.

Dean closes his mouth in surprise. He's never even knew that Bobby could get this angry.

"I know you've got issues. _God_ knows I _know_. But I got a news flash for you: You ain't the center of the universe!" he shouts. "Now it may have _slipped your mind_," he scorns sarcastically, "that Crowley owns my soul and the meter is running! And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and… and…"—might as well make it easy—"BE DAMNED! So how about you two sack up and HELP ME FOR ONCE!" he demands.

Yep. That memory is forever burned into Dean's memory. It's the first time Bobby ever yelled at him, and it makes Dean think about how good a father Bobby really is.

Of course, Dean didn't bite back on his capricious personality, but he knew what _not_ to call Bobby: selfish. That man is many things, but he will _never_ be selfish. _Especially _when it comes to Sam and Dean.

Bobby may be Dean's "not-dad", but where John failed, Bobby stepped in. And that was a lot—that takes patience _and _a strong will. And Dean silently thanks Bobby for it every single day.


	10. Lisa

_Lisa… The love of his life_

Dean Winchester does **not** like any other music besides classic rock. Metallica, Kansas, Styx… it's what he was raised on and what he vowed he would _always_ listen to, without question.

But sometimes he sits in the Impala alone. Just to get away from the world. To have some time for himself.

It is in those quiet moments that he listens to _one_ song that _isn't_ classic rock. It's actually modern rock, which he would rather die than admit he listens to. But it's only that _one_ song, because it's the only thing he has that vividly reminds him of _her_. Her, with her luscious dark hair and warm brown eyes; her flexible hips and her beautiful voice. When he lived with her, she spent weeks humming that song. Then, one day, she sang the first verse.

Dean stopped in his tracks because the words were what he wanted to scream at God. Within two weeks, he caved and asked Lisa to show him the song. She did and that's when the wall he built up to hide his weakness from Lisa (he told himself that it was to protect Lisa and Ben from his demons) finally crumbled.

He spent hours in his car, listening to Lisa's iPod with that specific song on repeat. He stayed in there through dinner and Ben's bedtime.

When he finally comes in, Lisa is curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the television screen.

He calls her name and she turns to him, her face lined with a day's worth of worry.

Dean walks right over to the couch and holds out his hand. She looks at it uncertainly before taking it. He pulls her out of her seat so she is eye-level with him. He looks at her, finally taking in for the first time in two months just how _amazing_ this woman really is. Dean brings his free hand to her face, pressing his palm into her cheek. He brushes his thumb across her lips, making them tingle under his touch.

Then he leans forward, gingerly pressing his lips against hers. It only takes a second before she responds, kissing a little bit longer, a little bit _deeper_. Then she pulls away and pulls his hand, signaling him to follow her. She guides him up the stairs and to the master bedroom. All that time, he feels his breathing coming out a little unevenly and his heart sputter beneath his chest.

She presses her back against the door and they stand there for a moment, Dean kissing her again. Then he leads away from her lips, leaving a trail of kisses across her cheek and down to her neck which he kisses tenderly. Her breathing begins to come out raggedly and she has to force herself to focus on turning the doorknob and opening the door.

They get in the room and Dean closes the door behind them. They continue to kiss each other, only parting to tear off their clothes. Before Dean knows it, he is falling backwards onto the mattress. The mingled scent of leather and lilacs fills his nose and that's how he knows that that bed is both Lisa's _and_ his.

Lisa kisses his chest sweetly, leaving a tingling feeling on his skin. She trails up his chest, to his collar bone, to the base of his ear. Her hair falls onto his face, intoxicating him with her aroma. She is beautiful and smart and vivid and _happy_ and makes him feel something more than just physical pleasure.

She brings herself up to look down at him and watches as he closes his eyes. She places a light kiss over each eye, bringing just enough pressure to them to make him feel like he could sleep forever as long as she is with him.

It is only after, when they are breathing heavily and there bodies are pressed together in the warmth of the afterglow, that he whispers the words he has never said before in his entire life, "I love you."

Dean had never said those words before that moment and never would again. Not because he didn't love Lisa, but because he's _Dean_. Those are words that are not easy for him to speak. But when he whispered them to Lisa, it wasn't in a fit of passion. He meant it and Lisa knew that. She knew he loved her and that was good enough because she felt the same way.

But it's been over a year since that night. The only things he has left of that woman that he bore his soul to are memories to painful to delve into and a song. Not even a picture (Crowley thought it would be hilarious to steal it out of his wallet).

When he exits the Impala to return to the motel room where Sam is, he shuts off the radio and cuts off the song in the middle.

But it still echoes in his mind. _You Found Me _by The Fray has that effect on him.

Because he's pissed at God for many reasons. But the worst, is the fact that he lost the only person "who's even known…who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be…" (as the song so eloquently puts it).

She knew Dean in a way no one else could. As a lover. As a husband (well… almost). He _loves _her. And she will always return that love, no matter how much she fights it or how much angel magic is thrust into her memory.

Love is powerful. But, Dean Winchester's—as is shown with Lisa—is extraordinary.


	11. Sam

_Sam… The most important person in his life_

Dean has more memories with his brother Sam than with anybody else. Those two are attached at the hip.

Whether it be the death of their mother or Lucifer using Sam as a meatsuit, there is always that bond between them.

And trying to define that bond with words would be impossible.

Trying to define that bond with one single memory would be impossible as well. Dean could search his brain for weeks and never find that _exact_ memory that defines the love that exists between the two Winchester brothers.

Dean remembers Sammy being brought home for the first time. A small white bundle in his mother's arms. Dean looked at him and he felt the right thing before his father even told him how to feel. Protective. He knew in his heart that he had to protect that little, bald thing forever.

He remembers running out of his house, carrying his baby brother in his arms, with the heated floor burning at the bottom of his bear feet. Still, he dealt with it, because he knew if Sammy died, another part of his world would be torn away from him.

He remembers realizing that Sam wasn't a naïve child anymore. He wasn't going to believe that his father went around the country "on business". The seedy motel rooms and cheep food are not things successful businessmen had to deal with. He remembers telling his brother what John really does and how it worried the sensitive boy to the point of tears.

He remembers being there for Sam's tenth birthday, his first gunshot, his first cavity (used the fake ID for that one)… his first _everything_, whether John was there or not. And when they were young, they only needed each other.

But a lot has changed since then. They still love each other, no doubt about that. The bond they share has withstood a lot—John's death, Dean's trip to hell, Sam's blood addiction, the apocalypse, Sam's soullessness… through all that, the bond still remains.

But it's not nearly as strong as it used to be.

Dean knows that. When he thinks about it, it brings an ache to his heart that makes his eyes sting. With Castiel and the coming future of "the New God", the Winchester brotherhood will probably shatter.

This fear haunts Dean. It worries him almost as much as Cas' betrayal.

These things, along with his longing for Lisa and Ben, weigh down on his mind one night as he sits in Bobby's scrap yard, a clear, crisp night sky stretching over him. He has his head in his hands so he doesn't even notice the beauty just above him.

Bobby had been researching all day, until he passed out drunk from the whiskey he'd been downing all day. Sam was still up, but he had been nodding off as Dean had opened the front door to walk out into the night.

Dean didn't know that his exit had snapped Sam out of his lethargic state. He watches his older brother—his _savior_—from the porch. He watches Dean, knowing that after everything Dean has been through, he still manages to stand strong. Even now, in what is supposed to be a private moment of weakness, Dean will come out strong… right?

The question hangs over Sam as he grips at something in his pocket. Then he pushes open the screen door and steps out. He trots down the stairs and walks over to his brother, stopping only a few feet away from him.

Dean recognizes Sam's footsteps immediately. He looks up at Sam, his eyes questioning whether Sammy is sane or not. Everyone knows that when Dean wants to be alone, he should be left alone.

But that's the point. He _wants_ to be alone, but whether he _needs_ it or not is a different story.

"What do you want?" Dean asks, his voice rough with unshed tears.

Sam pulls the contents of his pocket out and holds the object out for Dean to see. It takes the eldest Winchester a moment to actually see what Sam is presenting to him. But when he finally figures it out, his face morphs into surprise, "My amulet?"

"You really thought I was going to leave it in that trashcan?" Sam asks, a small smile on his face.

Dean stands up, his face relaxing from the pain he was just feeling a few moments before. He walks up to see the amulet hanging on the wire from Sam's hand. He reaches out his hand and lifts up the amulet in his palm. He feels the familiar golden head on his skin and for one second, he is twelve-years-old again. He is looking at his brother, so young yet so much smarter than anyone—except Dean—knows.

"Thank you Sammy," he whispers as he did when his brother first gave it to him.

It would be impossible for Dean to locate the right memory to represent him and Sam's relationship. But… if he had to pick an _object_… that amulet had to be it. Dean furrows his eyebrow for a moment before whispering to his brother, "I don't know what I'm going to do."

Sam's smile falls as he listens to Dean's desperate words. Dean looks at Sam, watching as his brother's eyes widen to his classic puppy dog look. The hunter resists the urge to roll his eyes at this as Sam says, "You'll do what you always do."

Dean looks at him, silently asking what exactly what "he always does" when a member of his family betrays him.

"You'll fight for family," Sam answers simply.

Dean, this time, doesn't resist the urge to roll his eyes at Sam's philosophical, confusing answer. "Could you dumb that down?" Dean asks as he takes the amulet away from Sam and puts it on. Sam doesn't show it, but he feels a tiny internal cheer when Dean puts on the amulet like he had never thrown it away in the first place.

Dean leans back against the heap of scrap he was leaning on before as Sam answers, "When I was hopped up on demon blood, when I was taken over by Lucifer, when I was soulless… you fought to save me, but not because the world needed it. You did it because _I _needed it."

Dean watches his brother silently, listening to his words.

"It just happened that everything that needed to be done for me was good for the world, too," Sam explains. "And now Cas is so high on power that it's like a kick in the balls all over again. Family betraying you once more."

Dean hated how Sam could always read him easily. But, for once, Sam speaking his feelings sounded good to him. So he remains silent, allowing his brother to continue.

Sam walks over to Dean and leans against the pile beside him. He sticks his hands in his pockets as he continues, "But you know what? You can't give up on him."

"He's an angel, Sam" Dean replies. "He's not my kid-brother with psychic powers."

"There's no difference, Dean," Sam replies. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be stressing like this. The last time you stressed this much, I almost strangled you to death." Sam's voice doesn't shake when he says that. He knows what he did and Dean had forgiven him a long time ago for it. "Right now, Cas is a monster. Worse than that, he's taken over by millions of monsters. And if I have any experience in that department, he has no idea what he's doing."

Dean is listening completely now.

"We need to pull him back, Dean," Sam says. "We need to save him from himself, even if that means killing him."

"Is that why you stabbed him when we were back there?" Dean asks curiously, looking at his little brother now.

Sam's face grows a little dark at the question. "No," Sam admits, "I could use the excuse that I was confused because of all the memories of hell, but that would be chickening out."

"Then why?" Dean asks.

Sam shrugs, "It seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

Dean believes him. He sees the regret on his brother's face and that is enough for him. He looks back at Bobby's house.

"We can't leave him alone, Dean," Sam says. "He needs us."

Dean lets a heavy sigh, knowing that the words his brother speaks are true.

"Keep that amulet safe, Dean," Sam says. "Soon enough, we might need it." Then Sam starts to walk to the house.

But Dean stops him, grabbing Sam's shoulder with his hand. "Sam… thanks."

Sam turns his head to Dean. He smiles and says, "No problem, dude." Then he turns and walks away, letting Dean's hand slip off his shoulder. Dean brings his hand to his chest, gripping the amulet in his fist. In that little conversation, Sam managed to ease most of what was troubling his mind.

Sam is right. Dean fights for family. But Sam also eased Dean's worry over their bond. It hasn't weakened at all.

The only thing that has happened is that the love is no longer shared between the two of them. Now, that love is split three ways, the third part being Castiel (Dean wonders if the third part should go to Adam, but there really is no reason for his half-brother by blood to earn that title). The angel may not be blood, but he has proven himself to be a powerful ally and an even better friend.

But more than that, he has proven that he is family.

Dean realizes all this in a minute and it is all because Sam gave him a five-minute talk and an amulet Dean had tossed in a wastebasket over a year ago. No one else in the universe could sooth Dean's mind that easily.

The bond between Sam and Dean is stronger than ever.

Now they have to save their brother-in-bond. If they don't, then the relationship will really be broken. Again, it has been split three ways. Brother to brother to brother.

And Dean is ready to fight for it until the end of time—and maybe beyond that.

After all, Dean has fried bigger fish than that. Time just seems like a laughable obstacle, especially for love. Anything is mediocre if love comes trampling through.

But for Dean's love, it's as if the obstacle doesn't even exist. That's because he is a Winchester. And when a Winchester loves someone, that devotion will _never _fade.


	12. Epilogue

_Epilogue… A Winchester's Heart_

Dean's heart is guarded. He doesn't let the entire world see inside it. But those he does let in will find that they will not be disappointed by him.

With the Impala, he knew that car only a week after he was born. He can't remember his house clearly, or his room, or his toys. But he can remember the Impala. The earliest memory he has is with that car. It's no wonder he treasures that 1964 Chevy like a member of his family.

He once said about the car that "she'd still be badass when she's forty". Well, he has the same thought about Ellen. She was the toughest chick he knew, probably tougher than half the guys he'd ever met. And he knew he could learn a thing or two from her. After all, if Dean had had the choice of what hunting family to be raised in, he would've chosen Ellen as his mother.

For that imaginary hunting family, however, he wouldn't have chosen Jo for a sister. Too much water under the romantic bridge for that. But in Jo, he saw something in her that he thought he had lost a long time ago: hope. He saw a young person (even though she's a chick) who had dreams and ambitions, even if they weren't always for the best. He saw somebody that he could've had a stable life with. And in a way, within Joanna Beth Harvelle—without really knowing it—he saw a younger version of his mother.

Mary Winchester, like Jo Harvelle, was a dreamer. But she dreamt the exact opposite of Jo: she wanted a family _outside _of hunting. She wanted to keep her family far away from all the monsters she had seen in her youth. When John pulled her sons into the life she had tried so hard to keep them out of, she would've been so angry with her husband. But, in a way, John did the right thing. Both of her boys are screwed up to the core, but they're good men, which is something that Mary proudly saw from her place in heaven.

John made sure his boys were raised as good as they could've been. He taught them many things. He taught them that when they hear a bump in their closet, it _is _probably a monster. He taught them never to shoot a Wendigo with salt; that would only piss it off. He taught Dean to protect his brother at all costs. He taught Sam to keep his brother grounded when it became too tough for Dean. He taught them that showing weakness isn't bad, but only do it around family. Never in front of their enemies. And he taught them the most precious lesson; precious because not many parents know this lesson themselves: "Boys, your hearts are the most valuable part of you. You can't just let anybody into your hearts; you have to be cautious with who you let in. But Sam, Dean, listen closely: once you have let a person in, you must _never_ push them away. They are forever a part of you. Remember that." Of course, he said that on the anniversary of Mary's death when he was drunk out of his mind, but he still meant it.

Dean understood his father's words better than Sam. He understood it because he knew that's how John was with them; he may have been an asshole sometimes, like any other dad, but he will _never _stop loving them. Dean kept that lesson with him and when he finally had somebody he could call a son, he really practiced that lesson his father taught him. He loved Ben like his own because Dean knew Ben would probably the closest the thing to offspring he would ever had. He did the kid right in a way that John sometimes failed to do. And when he imparted the advice his father had given him—being called "Winchester Wisdom"—on Ben, it sank deep into the boy's heart. He pulled away from it the same conclusions Dean did with John: Dean will always love Ben, no matter how mean he seems.

That lesson, however, could not be taught to Castiel by his father. Cas had no guiding light to teach him the "right" way (unless you count his corrupt older brothers). But when he met Dean, he learned that lesson. He also learned the importance of free will and family. They defined his choices after he parted from Dean when the apocalypse ended. He wanted nothing but freedom and choice for his original, heavenly family. What Castiel didn't realize was that his real family _is_ the Winchesters. It is because of Dean that Castiel feels love. Not loyalty. Love. It's there as thick as oil. And he can thank the vulgar, disrespectful hairless ape, Dean Winchester, for that one.

Part of Castiel's family is also Bobby Singer, who is a surrogate father to both Sam and Dean. It is common knowledge that John and Bobby were old friends and where John failed, Bobby stepped in. If John is the idolized, loving half of the paternal persona, than Bobby was the nurturing, stable half. He brought to the boy's life some sense of normalcy, even though he is a hunter himself. He loves them unconditionally as a good father should. And truthfully, he is more of a man than John Winchester could ever hope to be. Dean would never admit that out loud, but he knows it's true. So he lets Bobby boss him around, affectionately dubbing him and Sam "idjits", because he knows the old drunk loves them to death.

Bobby knows what is right for Dean. So when Sam returned from Hell, Bobby didn't call Dean because he knew that if he did, the eldest Winchester would be pulled out of his happiness for his crazy need to protect his little (not so much) brother. It was the right choice because for an entire year, Dean enjoyed the presence of Lisa Braeden. There were plenty of Edward Cullenmoment; plenty of romantic comedy moments; but, it was late at night, when Ben was either in bed or at a sleepover, that they'd turn on _their_ song. They'd light a few candles and Dean would stare at her, watching as the firelight lights up Lisa's face. When she touches him, he melts into her touch like jelly. And in those moments when Dean reveled in her touch, Lisa was the happiest. She was happy because the man she has loved for over ten years had finally come to stay with her. After so much praying, Dean Winchester was finally going to _stay _with her. Even though that turned out to be a bust, Dean misses her touch. Lisa doesn't miss much, but she does feel confusion when she catches the scent of leather and a pit in her stomach suddenly rips wide open, making her tears pour out. Romantic love is the most emotional; if you lose the other person in that equation, the emotions you feel are almost impossible to deal with. Yet Dean deals, because he has more people to worry about than just a woman he can never be with. But they are soul mates and Dean can only fight his feelings for so long.

If Lisa is the light at the end of Dean's tunnel, than Sam is the thing lurking in darkness, helping Dean towards the light. Sam is Dean's rock even though that may seem hard to believe since the youngest Winchester has done many stupid things. But they _need _each other. Sam is the only family of Dean's through _blood. _And though Bobby may have a point that family doesn't end with blood, Dean cherishes Sam the most because he is the last person of his biological family he has left; but more than that, he cherishes his kid-brother because he's been doing that since the day he saw little Sammy. The moment their eyes met, their bond formed, solidified, and clung firmly to their hearts forever. They are Sam and Dean. There is no Dean without Sam and there is no Sam without Dean. They are a team. They are brothers. But most of all, they are _family_, and that is what Dean lives for.

But it is love that rules Dean's world. His heart may be split ten ways, but he loves each one with all his heart.

For Dean to love someone could mean intense danger for the person involved. But it also means a person has come into their life that will _never _abandon them, _never_ put them down, and _never_ forget them.

Dean's love is profound. It even shocks God at times.

That's what makes him—a "redneck, white trash, wanna-be cowboy"—a greater man than a lot of the human race could ever hope to be.

And _that _is what makes Dean Winchester—despite all his flaws—a true hero.

Fin


End file.
